Whoa! If it’s one thing I’ve learned from blogging…people love a whiff of misery. I’m expecting a tsunami of hits on this post. It’s human nature: people like to read about those who are worse off than they are so they can feel better about themselves. Or, we like to read about someone who has the same problem, so we feel we’re in the same boat.
Well, no misery here except, very simply: At this august moment in my life, I can look back and say: I have never been properly, truly loved by a man.
Yes, I have loved deeply. I have intimate friendships. I had boyfriends. Yes, I was married. And had children. But I have never experienced being truly adored, cherished, appreciated by a man. I have not had a relationship of equals, where each partner allows and helps the other to fully realize their potential. I am stating a fact. It was not meant to be my luck.
Yes, luck is the word I want to use here. Relationships take work, but luck is crucial in meeting the right person in the first place.
We all see many marriages and relationships. There are but a few that I admire. The ones that I do admire don’t cause me envy, but rather put me in a rapturous awe. I get giddy being around these couples; they make me so happy! Wow, look at that. It actually is possible to be loved and respected and cherished and celebrated for being exactly the person you are!!! It is actually possible to have a lifelong partner! It is actually possible to state your opinion, fight even, and come back together again.
Pish on self pity. First of all, I am healthy. And if you are healthy, that’s everything. Next, take a look at the front page of any international newspaper. Self pity goes away instantly when you learn of the true misery that much of the world’s population lives in and calls a life. The Syrian refugees in Jordan. Aleppo. The Yazidi. Life in the vicious Congo. Fleeing refugees in boats, walking miles as they escape oppressive regimes. I mean, really.
So here I am, a femme d’un certain age and at this point, I don’t believe this connection will happen in my life. I no longer think in terms of finding, “the one.”
When I was young I’d think: “Oh Liza, surely you’ll meet someone. You’re such a fabulous woman. There’s someone out there for you.” Well, I’m not in my 30’s, 40’s, 50’s anymore. I’m not searching for completion. Connection, yes. In the meantime, I’ve got a lot of living, giving and loving to do. Enjoying to do. Celebrating, reading, traveling, swimming, knitting, cooking, museum going, music listening, jumping in the ocean you name it — to do.
Love? Maybe the next time around.
P.S. I thought a long time before posting this and then decided to hit the button. I used to feel shame and less than because I didn’t succeed in the husband/partner department. Well, screw that. My head’s up high.
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