Lately, fear has crept into my life. I can’t pinpoint exactly when, why, where or how. I never used to be a fearful person.
When I was younger, I’d make a plan and go for it. Move to New York and go to grad school? Yes! Quit my job and start a business? Yes! Move to a foreign country to write a novel? Yes! Marry a foreigner? Be the founder of the Merida English Library? Yes and yes!
I’m in a blessed moment in my life when I have the freedom to change my life again, big time. I’m free from the formal work world, as I’m my own boss. Free from a bad marriage. The children are grown. I can now choose to live exactly as I want and where I want, and suddenly a fear cloud has appeared: What if this…? and maybe I shouldn’t…and what if that…? and I don’t know…maybe I should… ARGGHHHH!!!!!!
Is this a consequence of aging? Is it because I’ve lived long enough to see the consequences of decisions good and bad? Is it because I’ve seen evil at work in the world? Is it because my time frame of recovery is shorter and it’s more difficult to redirect if something doesn’t work out? Has time dampened my adventuresome impulses?
As I often do when I’m trying to figure something out, I decided to make a list. I wrote on the top of the page: “What am I afraid of?” Okay, Liza, let it rip. I won’t bore you with my list, but what I discovered is that it’s difficult to come up with concrete things, everything I wrote was vague and fuzzy. And when I was able to define something, it seemed silly. Like, really?
Here’s the thing: Fear doesn’t exist. It’s the bullshit of the mind
Upon further meditation, I have identified the fear as: vulnerability. I feel a physical vulnerability that I’ve never had before and that’s shaken my confidence. A body that’s been well lived, results of serious tennis playing coming to bear. The shoulder, the hip. Curiously, this has also affected my balance.
I feel vulnerable because I will take this next step utterly alone. Move to a new city, country without a support system and begin again.
Finally, there is the financial vulnerability. Have I saved enough to live the life I wish to be accustomed to? And, will it last?
There are no answers to any of these questions. They are what we all face when we make a decision. When the fear overwhelms, I repeat the phrase my business coach Marie Forleo made famous:
And you know what? It is. So I shall just sit down and figure it out. Watch this space for my big decisions coming your way.
What about YOU? Is fear a resident in your life? What are your fearful of? How do you handle your fear. Let’s have it out, right here. Well, below, in the comments box.