Living in Paradise…

… is not for sissies

Everyone's idea of paradise
Many people’s idea of paradise

 

When people hear where I live, they sigh.  To them, I live in paradise.

But to me, it’s just my life.  Paradise for me is…well, Paris.

Here are some thoughts on paradise living, just so you won’t fantasize unrealistically.

I am oh so tired of steaming iguana piss running down the back terrace awning when I’m sitting under it. Same goes for the tumbling hot iguana shit.  The iguanas perch on my wall with their butt hanging over my yard and relieve themselves to their heart’s content.

Then, there is the part where they run into the house.

How would you like one of these under your couch or in the bookshelf?
How would you like one of these under your couch or in the bookshelf?

 

The standoff happening in some place in my living room:    two snarling dachshunds  vs. hissing toloc.  Toloc is Maya for gila monster.  My dog Cookie gets a piece of her tongue bitten off and bleeds profusely all over my floors.  I am screaming, trying to separate dogs from toloc.  How am I going to get this toloc out of the house?

Then, a plumber happens to show up, three days later than our appointment.  He traps the toloc with a garbage can.   With his assistant, they wind duct tape around his snout, rendering him helpless.  He tells me that he will release him into the monte (countryside) but I’m not fooled.  That sucker will be barbecued over the coals this evening for his tasty dinner.

Yes, this is the animal that tourists are photographing at Uxmal or Chichen Itza — preferring to take a picture of this creature instead of focusing on the buildings and glyphs surrounding them.

How about the scorpions and tarantulas.  In abundance.  Snakes, of course.  Poisonous and non, slithering in the grass.  Mouse sized, flying cockroaches scurrying out of kitchen corners at night.  Gekko shit on my books and bureau.  Call the exterminator?  Does.  No.  Good.

If you have a dog or a cat, beware.  They are routinely poisoned by neighbors who may not love your pets.  Happens all the time.  A bit of poisoned meat thrown over the wall does the trick.

I am tired of blood stained sheets in the morning as a result of killing mosquitos during the night. I have to wash my sheets several times a week.  And the bloodstained white walls.  Be careful where you swat.

The elastics of any skirts or pants going limp in the heat and needing replacement at least once  if not twice a year.  The soles separating, melting away from their shoes.  The green mold during the rainy season.  Look into your closet.  “Surprise!”

I'm used to this
I’m used to this

 

Biblical rains which flood your house through roof, under doors and via windows, no matter if shut. Tropical rain finds a way in.

Cold cuts turn grey in your car by the time you reach home from the supermarket.  Fruit spoils within a day.  Meat spoils even faster.  If you’re having a party, don’t put out a bowl of potato chips or crackers, they go limp within 30 minutes.

Needing to worm yourself once a year, like you do your dogs and cats.  But hey, it’s over the counter medicine.

Not being able to have anything mailed into the country without paying sometimes 100% duty.  Until recently no merchants, such as L.L. Bean, or Best Buy, mailed into Mexico.  The postal service is “erratic”  Ooh, this looks good, I think I’ll keep it, said one mailman to another.

Paying $50 for a plain white t-shirt.  If you can find a white t shirt.

If you are over a size 8 woman’s shoe in Mexico, you have to fly to Houston to shoe shop.  Mexicans have small feet; so you’re out of luck.

Not being able to say, “I think I’ll cook xyz” and then going to the store to buy the ingredients.  Ha!  Rather:  let’s go to the grocery and see what I will cook.

Having to pay sometimes double for things you can buy inexpensively in other parts of the world.  Buy your electronics and computers when traveling in the U.S.

There, just wanted you to know a little bit about life in paradise.  Yes, we have sun, 365 days a year.  But it also is in the high 90’s for much of the time, with 100% humidity.  Every day is a bad hair day, and your clothes is drenched within an hour of putting it on.  I’m talking:  sweat running down the butt crack.  You can’t wear blue jeans — they’re too hot.  You shower and change undies and clothes several times a day.

High electric bills, for all the air conditioning you’re going to use.  Very high gasoline and telephone rates.

In a future post, I’ll let you know what’s good about living in this paradise of yours.  And there is a lot of good.   But just wanted to curtail too much unrealistic daydreaming!

So what’s your idea of paradise?  Talk to me.

xo Liza

 

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10 thoughts on “Living in Paradise…

  1. Well, Liza, having lived in Merida for a long time myself, I can relate to your problems these are some of the reasons that I decided not to live there anymore……but to come back for visits is wonderful!!! Love Yucatan.

  2. Living in paradise beauty tip (forgive me if I have written this on one of your previous posts): keep your lipstick in the fridge! Doesn’t melt all over your face when you put it on AND it feels delicious 🙂 Oh by the way, you forgot to mention the insane drivers. I’m thinking of getting a bumper sticker which says: PHYSICS 101: Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. In other words, your car cannot be where my car is at the same time that my car is there.

  3. Liza, I couldn’t have expressed it better myself! Once upon a summer’s evening in our back yard, a truly huge iguana picked up our very feisty Yorkie and just started to walk away with her. You should have seen the look of terror in her eyes. My husband actually tried to convince the iguana to drop her, first with words and then by trying to pry its jaws open with his hands. When it became clear it was either the dog’s life or the iguana’s, he had to club it into submission.

  4. Whoops! Forgot to mention all the stuff you have to keep in the fridge or freezer: beans, lentils, rice, flour, snack packages, saltines, Ritz crackers…., if you don’t want them to mold or get full of weevils. And if you want to buy ice cream to take home, you’d better run all the red lights or it will be a puddle before you get there.

  5. Holy crap!!!! Yikes!!!! I was just thinking about planning a trip to come visit too! The flying mouse size cockroaches really did it.

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